2015 and Beginning Anew

2015 will always be a year that began with great promise and joy which quickly unraveled into pain and grief. One year ago on New Year’s I was board gaming at my Mom and Dad’s. One year later it is just Mom’s. A year ago I was trying to put together a guy’s overnight event in the midst of a blizzard, thinking it would be my last. This past Friday I watched Star Wars, played a lot of video games and board games and didn’t sleep at all. Even though it hasn’t been planned I’ve enjoyed all the good times at the Rock over the past year.

I was looking forward to heading back to seminary this past fall, while not looking forward to attempting to make the move with a baby less than two months old. Little did I know what was to unfold causing our family to push our plans back for one more year. I am grateful for not having to make that move with a newborn and I’m sure my wife is as well.

This isn’t to say that 2015 wasn’t without its joys as well. We enjoyed a family holiday to Florida with the whole family. It was a great time. We enjoyed Busch gardens, the pool and the Patriots winning the Super Bowl. I’ll never forget the absolute crushing sense of defeat going down 14 points not once but twice and the GOAT Brady coming back to win the game. I’ll never forget the walks that Dad and I had with all the kids (Hayden, Dylan and Paityn).

After that was Jamaica. It was a great trip and I loved spending time with all the awesome youth and leaders building a house. It was hot and I hated the lack of air conditioning. But through it I just realized how soft I had become since college. In college I never had a problem sleeping on the floor. In Jamaica I learned to be tough again (not really— I still complain). I also was accepted to the seminary where I wished to learn the Scriptures, Wycliffe College in Toronto. Adrienne and I were both nervous but excited.

I’ll never forget the call from Dad about coming over for coffee on the Friday afternoon in May. I didn’t wait. I drove over immediately. I knew it was bad. Brain tumour. There were many tears together and we spent time before supper placing hands on Dad and praying for him and the family. The next day our hopes were lifted briefly… the doctor’s initial diagnosis was benign. We breathed a short-lived sigh of relief and waited for the Winnipeg doctors to go to work. Little did I (or any of us know) that the next two weeks would be the last time we would see Dad drive, walk and stand by himself.

Less than a week later our worse fears were confirmed. Brain Cancer. Stage 3 or 4. Biopsy to follow next week. I won’t focus on every little details of the next three or four months but I will mention one particularly beautiful moment for our little family and Dad.

John Smith. The name of my father, my name and the name that Adrienne swore we would never give our son. I can honestly say that the second biggest surprise of 2015 was John Logan Smith born on June 10. This was the first day of Dad’s radiation treatment and was a special blessing in a difficult time. I will never forget Dad first meeting Logan in the Health Sciences Centre. The tears of joy were mingled with the tears of bitterness as he held him. The blessing of Psalm 128.6 became a fervent prayer, “May you live to see your children’s children…”

2015 was a difficult year but it was also a blessing. I was able to have an extended goodbye with my father which many do not enjoy. I am thankful for my family and my friends. I look forward to 2016 with these two thoughts in my head.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Soren Kierkegaard

And what perhaps Dad would appreciate the most. A deeper understanding of his favourite verse,

Proverbs 16.9, “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.”